The 4 big mistakes keeping you from arguing less with your partner (about anything and everything)

Jan 16, 2019

Let’s get real for a second -- I want to see your relationship flourish more than anything. I do. I really, really do (because I know it can!).

That said… I’ve seen way too many relationships crash and burn by making the same mistakes around the same issues again and again and again and again. Enough already!

There are some super common (and easy-to-fix!) mistakes that are blocking you from getting the relationship you want (and these are not only symptoms of brand new relationships--I’ve worked with couples 5+ years in who are still struggling!)

Check these out and avoid these no-no's at all costs:

 

MISTAKE #1: You see the situation as “you vs. your partner” instead of “you AND them vs. the problem”

You might be thinking, “but my partner is completely unreasonable. They are so so wrong about the situation. I am so so right. Why can’t they see that??”

That’s totally understandable. That’s a completely logical response. Except that this kind of thinking doesn’t actually get you anywhere.

SOLUTION: Stop seeing your partner as part of the problem and start seeing them as part of the solution.

Fun facts about what happens when we argue:

  • Less intimacy
  • Fewer issues are actually solved
  • Time is wasted discussing unimportant details

When you stop arguing and start working together with your partner, everything changes:

  • No more fighting
  • No more blaming
  • WAY MORE love and connection

…basically, once you stop arguing and start working together, your relationship gets about 800% better. Trust me.

 

MISTAKE #2: Learning a few fancy word tricks will solve your woes

One common misconception about these communication courses is that you’ll learn some magic words like Harry Potter and then before you know it: Expecto Patronum - Poof! Your partner is super cooperative, stops complaining, stops arguing and has immediately moved into the kitchen to cook you your favourite meal.

Let’s not fool ourselves here.

Communication more to do with attitude than saying the right thing at the right time.

It’s said that communication is 90% about body language and only 10% about the words that are said. Context matters more than you can believe.

So if that’s the case, why would you bother learning “the right words”? Wouldn’t you want to focus on learning the right body language and how to read their language? Hold your horses, Romeo/Juliet.

Most of this body language communication is subconscious. You cannot possibly be aware of all the things that are being communicated, no matter how much you know about body language. Plus, what kind of relationship do you want to be in? One where you can speak your mind and hear the love behind everything your partner is saying? Or one where you are trying to get a message across with a strong tone and your best “power posture”?

Communication starts in our hearts, our heads and our thinking all at once. Only then does it turn into words.

SOLUTION: Next time you’re about to encounter an argument, ask yourself these questions:

  • Am I trying to fix my partner or fix the problem?
  • Am I trying to “be right” or solve the issue?

These two questions can help you completely avoid your next argument!

Make sure to go into those situations with a clear mind and a loving heart. Only then will you solve the problem and maintain your love and connection.

 

MISTAKE #3: Thinking that 1 conversation will fix all your problems

In our instantly-gratifying world, we’re looking for quick results to get read of the unpleasantness of life so that we can experience sunshine and rainbows 24/7.

Unfortunately, relationships aren’t like that. They take work. Sometimes they suck. And other times they are the greatest thing in the world.

The key is to refine your communication skills to make it suck as little as possible, and maximize moments of love and connection.

SOLUTION: Tackle relationship obstacles in small bits. If you take it one step at a time, you’re more likely to solve issues in a way that allows you to handle them with more ease.

Fact is, rarely are issues resolved in a single conversation.

Almost all of your problems will take many, many conversations to get resolved — especially the deep pain points.

It’s kind of like eating ice cream. You can’t tackle it all in a single bite. You’ll get a crazy brain freeze and it’ll be bad news for everyone (especially if you’re lactose intolerant). You take small licks and small bites until you get down to the bottom.

 

MISTAKE #4: Forgetting to SLOW DOWN

We want faster internet, faster cars, faster results, faster money, faster phones… And when it comes to our relationships, we forget that going too fast can get us into trouble. The pace of nature is between medium and slow, and successful relationships are no different.

And this is particularly important when we’re about to get into an argument.

SOLUTION: When things get heated, SLOW THE F*** DOWN.

I can’t stress this enough. If you feel yourself getting agitated, if you can tell you’re about to get hooked into a battle of “who’s right”, if you can see that your partner is doing that thing they do when they’re starting to get angry, or that the volume of your voices has kicked up several notches, this is your cue to stop for a minute and breathe!

Remember that this is your partner, the person you love and want to be connected to. Not some person cutting you off in traffic or a stranger on the street who insists you sign up for a monthly donation to a charity you’ve never heard of.

I know it’s easier said than done. Slowing down in those moments is tough. When things get heated, they tend to get out of control quite quickly. It takes high levels of self-awareness and practice to transform your automatic habits of yelling and finger pointing into something more productive.

This is the reason I exist - to help you practice and develop the self-awareness needed to communicate clearly and lovingly in your relationship. And the reason I am so passionate about this is because it has worked wonders in my own relationships!

In FU2ILU, you learn the communication skills you need to know to cultivate a more peaceful relationship. 

Let’s get you out of the struggle and have your relationship working again (it’s your time!)

Check out the FU2ILU program for more info on how.

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